David Gainor

David Gainor. Four syllables. One for each of the basic elements of the universe. This is not an accident.

Who, or indeed what, is David Gainor? This question has baffled historians throughout the ages, and we are no closer to the answers even now. Millennia of speculation. Rumours and whispers. So little is known about this enigmatic figure, this god-like being. Arguments rage as to whether he even exists, ever has existed at all. Maybe we will never know for sure. This might well be for the best, for how could our pathetic human minds ever comprehend something so much greater than ourselves? Can a mere mortal truly understand David Gainor? We peer through a tiny keyhole into a smoky room, snatch glimpses of what lies beyond. To see the full picture would surely destroy us all. Even the slightest view can shatter the most brilliant individuals. Why do you think Einstein is dead?

David Gainor is everything. He is our hopes, our fears. Our dreams and our nightmares. He is all that ever was, is, can be, yet he is also nothing at all. A manifestation of infinite possibility. The terrible vacuum of space unknown. David Gainor can make a calculator divide by zero. David Gainor is the true subject of the song 'the Hokey Cokey'. He wrote it as a gift to Mozart, who immediately died aged only 35 as a result of this exposure. Wracked with guilt, he replaced the words 'David Gainor' with 'Hokey Cokey' to hide its true, terrible meaning. 

There are no definite facts concerning David Gainor. How could there be? But ancient records show that several key events almost certainly took place. It is thought that sometime around the ninth millennium he led a doomed expedition to the endless craters of the dark side of the moon. And there, in that blasted, airless landscape, was the sole survivor of an incident so horrific that even he never spoke of it. The wolves know. They howl, not at the moon, but at what is waiting there. Please watch over us, David Gainor. Keep our children safe.

David Gainor also may well have been instrumental in the peace negotiations between the human race and the mutant clones, just as the war between them seemed ready to tear the universe apart. Study the photos. That blurry figure, barely visible behind Overlord Trump. Face in shadow, perhaps a smile playing around the mouth. Who is it? Could it be David Gainor? Was David Gainor behind the grassy knoll? Yet he can be seen in the Bayeux Tapestry. The Turin shroud nothing more than a testament to his awkward grunge phase. And finally, the most bewildering of all, David Gainor is almost certainly the backing dancer fourth from the right during Boney M's performance of 'Daddy Cool' on Top of the Pops, in 1977.

Supposed eyewitness accounts claim he owned at least three chequered shirts. If not four. But equally, others will argue his skin itself was chequered, hence why he would never appear to be wearing anything else. David Gainor, a chameleon perhaps? Changing his skin to suit, nay lead, the fashion trends of each passing age. 

None of this can even begin to explain how David Gainor ascended to heights previously thought reserved only for the gods themselves. How does a mere man gain mythic status; become the founder of all myth itself even? The earliest scriptures we posses seem to refer to a being very like him at the time of the first creation. The Bible even states that David Gainor witnessed God himself design the human appendix, and was heard to say "Well that's a load of fucking bollocks, isn't it?" And atheists are stumped as to why connecting the random blemishes found on the fossils of dinosaurs will always, without fail, produce a rough image of the face of David Gainor.

How? Why? Nobody can say. He never explained himself, nor left behind any writing. But is it really only a coincidence that the phrase “All the great artistic statements humankind has ever produced” contains within it the letters that make up the name 'David Gainor'?

But one thing is for certain. Even without evidence, in the face of overwhelming contradiction, we believe in David Gainor. We believe.

Thank you.